[ Any other time, she would rush on over to Toki and crush him with a hug, but not this time. Hearing his voice is relieving, her mind processing through the grief to figure out that Ananke must have revived him, but it also brings a wave of guilt. Rather than clearing her tears, it only makes her cry harder. She doesn't get up, she doesn't move, it's as if she's completely ignoring Toki, but she's very much aware of his presence. ]
[Toki follows the sounds of her crying, and doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Rei when he finds her. He doesn't know what to say, and his hug is clingy and desperate.]
I-I'm sorry...
[He's trying so hard not to cry too, but it won't last long.]
[ She doesn't lower her hands for a few long seconds but she eventually pulls them away to cling onto Toki. Pathetic. She's the one who caused his death, but she can't stop herself from seeking out his comfort. ]
I-- I killed you-- I couldn't stop you so I killed you--
[ She can barely manage out her words from her hiccups and tears. She feels exhausted, her head hurts, and her throat is raw from all of her earlier screaming. They're only halfway through the dungeon but she already has nearly reached her limit. ]
[He didn't have enough willpower to break out of it, and he'd forced her to kill him. Everything hurts inside thinking about how she had to feel when making that decision.]
I'm sorry you had to- had to... But I'm okay now. You saved me too.
[ It'd be a while until she can shake off this guilt. With the conclusion of her Shadow event, she was able to learn that it's still worth living even with all the terrible things that may happen so she won't let this incident break her, but it may be a while before she can revert back to her normal self. ]
[ She pulls back a bit, just enough that Toki could still have his arms around her and that she could put her hands on his face. She examines him carefully, which takes some time because she can't see very well through her tears. ]
Your eye... i-is it okay? You-- you tried to...
[ He said that he couldn't stop so does he remember what he did? Was someone controlling him and that's why he acted the way he did? ]
[He won't let go of Rei entirely yet, but he moves one hand to her face to brush away tears, a little too delicately because he's worrying about poking her in the eye.]
I- I did... That was a memory... Back then, Rex- he's a friend- he... fixed it. I... It wasn't like... I only...
[Being honest with Rei through any situation seemed like it would be easy when they made that promise, but there are parts of his past he doesn't want her to know. Because it terrifying, and he's ashamed of how bad off he was at times. Toki takes a deep breath, and he will finish.]
I only tore into half of it- my eye- at that point, and Rex was able to heal it with magic.
[Did she feel what he did? The crushing weight of impending doom and unimaginable terror?]
I... It was... I thought, at- at that time, that my eye wasn't mine. The daemon that I made a contract with, I thought he was looking through it, or- I wasn't...
[Toki bites his lip, because he feels like screaming. How can he expect Rei to deal with him after seeing these things? After knows how he was, and that he might become that way again. It hasn't been long since the surgery and it might not have even worked completely. Toki may be heading towards another breakdown and not even know it.]
I was very... unwell at that time and I had thoughts that were, that didn't make sense logically, but I didn't realize that? I thought to get rid of the daemon, that it only made sense to kill the part of it that was there. But the visions weren't about that daemon and it was my eye, but I...
[ She doesn't pull back her hands from his face, still holding him and keeping him close. She watches him bite his lip and looks at his eye, the one that he tried to rip out only minutes ago. She runs her thumb just above it, going over his eyebrow. Her sobs have calmed down, not as hysterical as they were originally, but her breath occasionally hitches now and then. ]
... you just thought you were doing the right thing. You did it because you wanted to get rid of it, even if you had to hurt yourself.
[She's exactly right, and Toki was told by multiple people that his reasoning there was crazy.]
Yes... I was already blind in that eye; it didn't work anyway. I thought that it could be a conduit and I wanted to stop it.
[To him, it had made sense. It was easy for him to assume that the eye belonged to the daemon, especially after having those visions. His left eye used to be brown like the other one, before the contract. If he couldn't see through it anymore, who was?]
The eyes in my visions belonged to a monster they called the Herald of Night. They knew- the... Daybreak knew and they didn't tell me. The knew about the Herald through other Seers, and they knew I had visions about the same eyes, but they didn't tell me about it.
[Everyone was supposedly so concerned with Toki's mental state, that they kept vital information from him on so many occasions. It did nothing but let his imagination and his own inferences drive him to extremes because he was scared.]
[ Perhaps it's because she's already fallen in love with Toki and has promised to stay by his side that she's able to completely be on his side when multiple people weren't. Or it might be because she possibly would have done the exact same thing if she was in his shoes. She did break down last month and somehow convinced herself that it'd just be better if she kills everyone so they can be together in death so it's not as if she's completely reasonable all the time. He'll soon see that she'll also jump to extremes when she's pushed. ]
Is Daybreak the school that you told me about? The one that didn't let you go because they said it was your own good?
[ Toki only brought up two main locations, Tokyo and his private academy. The way he talked about the latter and how he's currently talking about how Daybreak knew something but didn't tell him seems similar. ]
[He's finally releasing his hold on her. It's not going as badly as he thought, not right now.]
Yeah, that was the name of it. Almost everything bad that I'll talk about... happened there.
[He can't think of anything particularly good that happened in Tokyo either, but his childhood seems so far removed from the experiences of just last year. They haven't faded enough yet.]
[ When he lets go of her, she lowers her hands, but she still moves to hold onto his. She doesn't want him to think that this changes any opinions of him so she stays close and lets out a small 'mm'. ]
... it's not your fault that you did all that. They didn't tell you anything and you were just trying to do something right. Maybe if they told you that the eyes weren't from the daemon, but a different monster, you would have done something different.
[He certainly wouldn't have tried to gouge his eye out twice, though he went off the deep end in other ways after knowing who the eyes belonged to as well. Because there were more and more visions until it was all Toki thought about.]
Thank you.
[That's what he has to say to Rei, because she's the first person who ever, even for one minute, put themselves in his place and could understand his motivations on some level. He didn't think he could ever love her more than he already did, but he can. After the memory floor, still in this dungeon, when it should be nothing but sadness, Toki feels joy.]
[ She squeezes his hands. That experience was terrible and she'd never want to go through it again, but it gave her some insight into just how terrible that school was. It let her know what kind of traumatic events that he went through and although she wished that they never happened to him at all, she can understand him better. ]
I'll always love you. I... did some things that didn't make sense either, so I understand. You can always tell me anything.
[ This dungeon is a lot more different than the other two. Maybe training here isn't that great of a job because they only really fought Shadows once. At least that was useful in letting her know that they should really invest in getting some weapons in case they can't use their Personas. ]
I don't see the way that we came in, but there are two doors. Maybe one of them will lead outside.
[ It won't. It'll only lead to more trauma, but they don't know that. Rei will try to help Toki up to his feet. Ananke and Zhn are still out as a precaution, but they stick back to let Rei lead. ]
[Toki has come to a similar conclusion that weapons are definitely needed. He gave his claw gloves to Red, but Toki thinks he'd be better off with something like a bat now anyway. A longer reach.]
[ She holds onto his hand as she leads him through one of the two doors, but when they enter, she won't be holding it anymore. She completely vanishes from his side and Ananke and Zhn disappear with her. The silence of the dungeon is replaced with the faint noise of a busy building. Footsteps, chatter, squeaky wheels turning, they sound close yet also muffled, as if they're behind a closed door. Toki will find something long and silky in his hands. It's bundled together with a ribbon tied to one end. It almost feels like the tips of a paintbrush, soft and thin on the other end. Should he reach outwards, he'll find the foot of a bed in front of him, long and with thin sheets. Behind him is open space, but on the right is a person. ]
"Niko-chan? We have something for you."
[ It's a woman's voice. She speaks from Toki's right, but directed towards the bed. There is soft rustling as the person in the bed moves and a small freak of the bed as they sit up. ]
[This was the wrong door. The noises could be from almost any place, except maybe the wheels. He doesn't think there's enough of them in the background for this to be a store of some sort. And there's no overhead music. He's trying not to panic, unconsciously clutching at whatever's in his hand.
It must be important if he has it. Toki used to paint, and he does think of a paintbrush when he first feels that end. It's softer, though, like it would flop over easily if trying to paint anything with it; not stiff enough. But somehow it feels very familiar, the texture and the way it glides over his fingers. He doesn't move right away, and the woman speaks before he finds the bed.
Niko. Toki's hand curls tighter around what he thinks is a piece of Rei's hair. Apart from running his hands through the hair she has now, he'd also touched the lock with the morgue key on it when he and 45 went into Rei's Shadow dungeon. The squeaky wheels make sense now. It's a hospital. Toki finally reaches out towards the bed when he hears Rei, or Niko, there.]
Rei?
[Whatever memories she has of this place, they can't be good. Not if her mind made a dungeon of it.]
[ He doesn't get a response. Not immediately, at least. The woman to his right moves her foot to nudge against Toki's. Don't reach out like that, she silently tries to convey to him while not making it obvious to the occupant of the bed. ]
... what is it?
[ It's Rei's voice, flat and tired. There's not a hint of energy or emotion that she normally carries, whether it's positive or negative. It's just like how it was in her dungeon, like how it with Niko. It's not clear whether or not she's replying to Toki or the woman, but the latter assumes that it's her. ]
"We saved you a lock of your hair, while it was still long and pretty. We thought it might cheer you up."
[ The woman nudges Toki with her foot again. He has the hair. He has to present it to Rei. ]
[Toki draws his hand back for the moment. That voice makes him sad. Like Niko in the dungeon, it's hollow and not even like she's given up, but like she doesn't even have the strength to do that much.
He doesn't want to give that hair to her. It was in the dungeon, this is something that hurt her, this moment. But if it's like what just happened to him, Rei can't escape this until it's over, and he won't draw it out.]
Rei.. Niko, I...
[His steps are slow, and he trails one hand along the side of the bed until he reaches her. Toki holds out the hair somewhere in front of Rei.]
[ There's a long silence. The lock of hair isn't taken. There is absolutely no reaction. For a long time, it seems like it'd be that way, but she eventually whispers something. ]
... why...
[ It's soft, almost impossible to hear, but her voice quickly explodes into anger. Bitter and accusatory anger as she grips the blankets with whatever little strength and energy she has left. She directs her fury at the one closest to her, at Toki. ]
[He's never heard Rei like this. Even when she yelled at him about flirting and sex, it wasn't... this. He drops the hair, no longer wanting to touch it. Toki's trying so hard not to let her tone and her words get to him, because they're not for him.]
[ Toki's words are ignored. She only responds to the memory, to the person that Toki replaced. ]
[ "No, we just thought that you'd like something to remember--" ]
Liar! You don't care about me! You never did!
[ Niko's life was filled with nothing but misery, hate, and jealousy. Unlike Rei, who spent most of her existence smiling and laughing and learning to love life, Niko spent most of her days screaming and being bitter towards everyone and everything. Even towards those who tried to help her, she lashed out and pushed them away. As a child, she was kinder and more hopeful about her situation, but as she grew older, she lost those qualities and became nothing but resentful and spiteful. ]
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flowerclips) wrote2019-08-07 07:12 pm
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I-I'm sorry...
[He's trying so hard not to cry too, but it won't last long.]
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I-- I killed you-- I couldn't stop you so I killed you--
[ She can barely manage out her words from her hiccups and tears. She feels exhausted, her head hurts, and her throat is raw from all of her earlier screaming. They're only halfway through the dungeon but she already has nearly reached her limit. ]
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I couldn't stop.
[He didn't have enough willpower to break out of it, and he'd forced her to kill him. Everything hurts inside thinking about how she had to feel when making that decision.]
I'm sorry you had to- had to... But I'm okay now. You saved me too.
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[ She pulls back a bit, just enough that Toki could still have his arms around her and that she could put her hands on his face. She examines him carefully, which takes some time because she can't see very well through her tears. ]
Your eye... i-is it okay? You-- you tried to...
[ He said that he couldn't stop so does he remember what he did? Was someone controlling him and that's why he acted the way he did? ]
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[He won't let go of Rei entirely yet, but he moves one hand to her face to brush away tears, a little too delicately because he's worrying about poking her in the eye.]
I- I did... That was a memory... Back then, Rex- he's a friend- he... fixed it. I... It wasn't like... I only...
[Being honest with Rei through any situation seemed like it would be easy when they made that promise, but there are parts of his past he doesn't want her to know. Because it terrifying, and he's ashamed of how bad off he was at times. Toki takes a deep breath, and he will finish.]
I only tore into half of it- my eye- at that point, and Rex was able to heal it with magic.
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But... But why? Is it because the daemon? And those... visions?
[ She sounds unsure about that last point because she doesn't know if those were visions but she doesn't know how else to describe them. ]
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Did you see them!?
[Did she feel what he did? The crushing weight of impending doom and unimaginable terror?]
I... It was... I thought, at- at that time, that my eye wasn't mine. The daemon that I made a contract with, I thought he was looking through it, or- I wasn't...
[Toki bites his lip, because he feels like screaming. How can he expect Rei to deal with him after seeing these things? After knows how he was, and that he might become that way again. It hasn't been long since the surgery and it might not have even worked completely. Toki may be heading towards another breakdown and not even know it.]
I was very... unwell at that time and I had thoughts that were, that didn't make sense logically, but I didn't realize that? I thought to get rid of the daemon, that it only made sense to kill the part of it that was there. But the visions weren't about that daemon and it was my eye, but I...
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... you just thought you were doing the right thing. You did it because you wanted to get rid of it, even if you had to hurt yourself.
[ Is she right on her assumptions? ]
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Yes... I was already blind in that eye; it didn't work anyway. I thought that it could be a conduit and I wanted to stop it.
[To him, it had made sense. It was easy for him to assume that the eye belonged to the daemon, especially after having those visions. His left eye used to be brown like the other one, before the contract. If he couldn't see through it anymore, who was?]
The eyes in my visions belonged to a monster they called the Herald of Night. They knew- the... Daybreak knew and they didn't tell me. The knew about the Herald through other Seers, and they knew I had visions about the same eyes, but they didn't tell me about it.
[Everyone was supposedly so concerned with Toki's mental state, that they kept vital information from him on so many occasions. It did nothing but let his imagination and his own inferences drive him to extremes because he was scared.]
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Is Daybreak the school that you told me about? The one that didn't let you go because they said it was your own good?
[ Toki only brought up two main locations, Tokyo and his private academy. The way he talked about the latter and how he's currently talking about how Daybreak knew something but didn't tell him seems similar. ]
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Yeah, that was the name of it. Almost everything bad that I'll talk about... happened there.
[He can't think of anything particularly good that happened in Tokyo either, but his childhood seems so far removed from the experiences of just last year. They haven't faded enough yet.]
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... it's not your fault that you did all that. They didn't tell you anything and you were just trying to do something right. Maybe if they told you that the eyes weren't from the daemon, but a different monster, you would have done something different.
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Thank you.
[That's what he has to say to Rei, because she's the first person who ever, even for one minute, put themselves in his place and could understand his motivations on some level. He didn't think he could ever love her more than he already did, but he can. After the memory floor, still in this dungeon, when it should be nothing but sadness, Toki feels joy.]
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[ She squeezes his hands. That experience was terrible and she'd never want to go through it again, but it gave her some insight into just how terrible that school was. It let her know what kind of traumatic events that he went through and although she wished that they never happened to him at all, she can understand him better. ]
I'll always love you. I... did some things that didn't make sense either, so I understand. You can always tell me anything.
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[Whether or not this conversation makes Rei's memories easier to experience remains unknown.]
Do you want to leave the dungeon?
[They came here for training, not trauma, and they can go back anytime Rei wants.]
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[ This dungeon is a lot more different than the other two. Maybe training here isn't that great of a job because they only really fought Shadows once. At least that was useful in letting her know that they should really invest in getting some weapons in case they can't use their Personas. ]
I don't see the way that we came in, but there are two doors. Maybe one of them will lead outside.
[ It won't. It'll only lead to more trauma, but they don't know that. Rei will try to help Toki up to his feet. Ananke and Zhn are still out as a precaution, but they stick back to let Rei lead. ]
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Okay.
[Toki trusts in Rei to pick the right door.]
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"Niko-chan? We have something for you."
[ It's a woman's voice. She speaks from Toki's right, but directed towards the bed. There is soft rustling as the person in the bed moves and a small freak of the bed as they sit up. ]
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It must be important if he has it. Toki used to paint, and he does think of a paintbrush when he first feels that end. It's softer, though, like it would flop over easily if trying to paint anything with it; not stiff enough. But somehow it feels very familiar, the texture and the way it glides over his fingers. He doesn't move right away, and the woman speaks before he finds the bed.
Niko. Toki's hand curls tighter around what he thinks is a piece of Rei's hair. Apart from running his hands through the hair she has now, he'd also touched the lock with the morgue key on it when he and 45 went into Rei's Shadow dungeon. The squeaky wheels make sense now. It's a hospital. Toki finally reaches out towards the bed when he hears Rei, or Niko, there.]
Rei?
[Whatever memories she has of this place, they can't be good. Not if her mind made a dungeon of it.]
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... what is it?
[ It's Rei's voice, flat and tired. There's not a hint of energy or emotion that she normally carries, whether it's positive or negative. It's just like how it was in her dungeon, like how it with Niko. It's not clear whether or not she's replying to Toki or the woman, but the latter assumes that it's her. ]
"We saved you a lock of your hair, while it was still long and pretty. We thought it might cheer you up."
[ The woman nudges Toki with her foot again. He has the hair. He has to present it to Rei. ]
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He doesn't want to give that hair to her. It was in the dungeon, this is something that hurt her, this moment. But if it's like what just happened to him, Rei can't escape this until it's over, and he won't draw it out.]
Rei.. Niko, I...
[His steps are slow, and he trails one hand along the side of the bed until he reaches her. Toki holds out the hair somewhere in front of Rei.]
I'm sorry.
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... why...
[ It's soft, almost impossible to hear, but her voice quickly explodes into anger. Bitter and accusatory anger as she grips the blankets with whatever little strength and energy she has left. She directs her fury at the one closest to her, at Toki. ]
Why would you do this to me?! Do you hate me?!
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No! I didn't- I didn't do this, I... I love you!
[He failed.]
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[ "No, we just thought that you'd like something to remember--" ]
Liar! You don't care about me! You never did!
[ Niko's life was filled with nothing but misery, hate, and jealousy. Unlike Rei, who spent most of her existence smiling and laughing and learning to love life, Niko spent most of her days screaming and being bitter towards everyone and everything. Even towards those who tried to help her, she lashed out and pushed them away. As a child, she was kinder and more hopeful about her situation, but as she grew older, she lost those qualities and became nothing but resentful and spiteful. ]
"Niko-chan, we--"
Get out! I don't want to ever see you again!
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cw: eye gore and suicidal intentions...
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